Can you even put a price on pure vaginal beauty?
Everyone knows us women are only good for two things: housework and sex. But don’t get too excited about the second one, because as we age, so do our fragile lady parts. And then no one wants to sleep with us because outdated vaginas are GROSS.
That’s why when I heard of this cool thing called vaginal bleaching, I knew I had to try it for myself.
You see, I’m 25. Which, when you do the math, is really like 67 in woman years. My vagina isn’t the beautiful, baby-smooth pink flower it once was. Even worse, I’m still single! It’s no surprise, really. Why would any man choose to be with a woman whose vagina isn’t perfect?
Luckily, My Pink Wink promised to change all that. What is My Pink Wink, you ask? A company that completely understands what women are all about. They offer multiple products guaranteed to “enhance your beauty” with things like butt zit cream and even vajazzling (because if you really want to attract a man, you better add some gems to your mons pubis).
I don’t have butt pimples (God is good) and would never even consider disrespecting vajazzles by putting them on an imperfect vagina. However, what really grabbed me by the p*ssy was the intimate skin bleaching cream. Finally! A chance to make my vagina beautiful again!
The cream is a little pricey at $46 for half an ounce. But I mean, can you even put a price on pure vaginal beauty?
It was excruciating waiting to begin my DIY vagina bleaching. With every day that passed, my vagina was getting uglier and uglier. I eagerly read the instructions as soon as the magical cream arrived:
I decided I’d apply it once a day after each shower.
Even though the bleach (oops! I mean, cream) is specifically made for sensitive skin — because it uses a protein that the body is already familiar with to fade the skin, apparently — I was a little nervous for the first application. There’s really no worse place for an allergic reaction.
I added the slightest amount of cream to the inside of my thigh where the leg and labia major meet, where the skin is juuuuust a little darker than the surrounding area, and hoped for the best.
I woke up the next morning without any chemical burns. Score! The instructions didn’t specify a timeframe and my biological clock is ticking, so I figured I’d give it a week to work its magic.
I continued adding the cream to that same spot, diligently inspecting for any sign of change in the skin color. By day three, there wasn’t any difference and I started losing hope. If I couldn’t even manage simple vaginal upkeep, do I even deserve to find love?
I upped the amount of cream I was using each day and made sure I let it dry completely after each application.
The end of the week came and went with no noticeable different to my skin, and the cream was just over halfway gone. Neither the instructions or My Pink Wink site gave a timeframe for when I should expect results (SO rude), so I checked some online reviews:
“I followed the instructions religiously and after three weeks the jar was empty and there’s not a sign of any of my skin being lighter at all (I tried it on three different areas on my body.)”
“I love using it and within a month ive seen a huge difference to where its topically applied.”
“I used it everyday, twice a day since I got it in the mail a month ago. I saw a very, very small lightening in some areas, and none at all in others. And when I say small, I mean small. Almost nothing at all.”
Great! So I can expect results in a couple weeks, or never. Very helpful!
With the jar about 3/4 of the way gone, I looked into purchasing a new one. What’s one more trial month if it means my vag will look incredible?
Oh! $164.99. So what you’re saying is, I’ll have to continue watching my vagina disintegrate in front of my eyes, along with my value as a woman.
~ Mark Twain